Sigur Ros and Thought Processing:

So right now, I am listening to Sigur Ros' Med Sud I Eyrum, my favorite of the bands artistic genius. I am processing through my thought bank and due to the fact that I am in a public library, holding my emotions in. Life just got really freaking different. In the past two days, God has said enough! I got cut off at the knees and that my friends is a tough pill to swallow. I think that I am in the grieving process. Grieving behaviors that I exhibited, relationships lost, relationships changed, and life in general being different than I know it.

I have been taking a really long and hard look at myself the past few days. Who am I? Why do I behave the way I do? Why do I push people away, all the freaking time? Why can I not just receive love? Why do I fight and complicate everything? This is a lot to think about and process through.

I can honestly say that the overwhelming emotion that I have been feeling these past days, is fear. Fear because I have no clue what is next on this extraordinary journey. I am realizing that God is much more present in my life than I could even imagine. He listens to my conversations, watches my actions, sees every attitude, and hears every word muttered under my breath. That is a little intimadating. I think that I needed to realize this a long time ago and still I don't grasp it to it's full extent.

Life would be drastically easier if I would just let go of the reigns on my life and let God drive. Due to the fact that I am dead set on controlling my own life, I have forefitted a great relationship with my mentor, the opportunity to be discipled by God's perfect choice, and a fast track healing and launching. You wonder if I feel like a loser? The answer is yes. Very much so.

The hardest thing in life is not knowing what you want. I thought that I wanted freedom and to be accountability free, and when I think I got it or when it is handed to me, I realize that I don't want it at all. Then I realize that it is to late to have the original good plan and I feel like I'm drowning. But I chose to jump off of the boat.

One of the biggest questions that I have asked myself is: Will God have Mercy and Redeem me? I believe that He can make all things work out for my best, I just wonder if it will involve the same paths, people, and ending. I hope it does, because I had it really freaking well and I threw it away.

P